Birthday Memories

This is the first time since the twins were born that I haven't practically mourned on October 26. This is the day that I rode the ambulance to the hospital in preterm labor. I ended up staying at Pitt on bedrest for three weeks. In past years, these few months seem to hold heavy memories for me...
Oct. 23 - bedrest at home
Oct. 26 - from Wayne Women's Clinic, to WMH, to PCMH
Oct. 28 - to a regular room, back to an ICU room
Oct. 30 - back to a regular room - I had a nice big room with a great view of the door where all the new moms left with their new babies.
Nov. 15 - contractions, which had been continuing throughout most of my stay, became more noticeable and closer together
Nov. 16 - they determined that they needed to do a C-section on this day to prevent an emergency C-section the next day - Apparently, Bear's foot was kicking down, and they didn't want his leg hanging out. I only saw pics of the babies on this day, pictures of them hooked up to this and that. I tried to go see them in NICU in a wheelchair but got sick halfway there. They actually started out in the regular baby nursery but got moved to the NICU with breathing issues.
Nov. 17 - I held Lou Lou for the first time. It took several minutes for them to get all her cords straight and tape cords to my gown so that I could hold her. I cried as I held her. She weighed 3 pounds 13 ounces and Bear weighed 4 pounds and 5 ounces. Bear's nurse said he was not doing well and I couldn't hold him that day. Both babies were intubated and could only make crying faces but no crying sounds. This was the hardest part of all for me. Later on this day, Lou Lou's nurse labeled her "feisty" as she had already pulled her intubation cord out. Thus, she graduated to CPAP. Later on, she moved up to the intermediate nursery. I didn't get to visit with her as much because she was always sleeping. They said that sleeping babies are growing babies so I wanted her to sleep as much as possible.

Nov. 18 - Jimmy's birthday - I had been pumping since the 16th and continued to do so. I did get to hold Bear on this day, but he was still intubated. He had a much harder time learning to breathe than Lou Lou did. According to research, white baby boys have it the worst. I didn't cry when I held him, almost like I knew I needed to be strong for him. Later on during their stay, I did kangaroo care with him, at least twice, which was skin on skin contact. His arms outstretched only reached from one bra strap to the other. While Lou Lou was asleep, Bear always seemed to be awake. Because of my lack of sleep/stress/pain from C-section, I always found things humorous by his bedside. Once when my sister and I were there with him, we pushed something on his bed and the top lifted off slowly with a beeping noise. The nurses said it was no problem, but it was hilarious to us.

Nov. 19 - After seeing all the new moms leave with their newborns, I left without mine. I came home long enough to get some clothes and then headed over to the Ronald McDonald house to move in there. From here, I could walk or ride the bus to PCMH to visit the twins. Bear's bed was right by the window, so after going through the 3-minute hand washing procedure, I could peep in at him before visiting Lou Lou in the other room.

Nov. 20 - My sister and I went nursing-bra shopping. My milk arrived for the first time in the Greenville Wal-mart. I was so relieved!

On Thanksgiving, Nov. 22, I cried and told Jimmy that I wanted to have another baby. My desire to have a house full started right then. His comment was, "Let's get these out of the hospital first!":)

Sometime during their stay, one of Bear's nurses, named Cheri, helped him get off CPAP. I was so excited!

Nov. 29 - The doctors gave Lou Lou the okay to try to breastfeed. Because she was tube-fed, they filled her stomach while she was "hanging out" beginning to learn how to breastfeed. I thought this was pretty smart. She attemped nursing twice that day. I needed a lot of the nurse's help because of all the cords, although Lou Lou had less cords than Bear. The second time she nursed, Lou Lou had a male nurse named Steve. I had to have help and felt that my modesty was less important than my child's learning to eat, so I called Jimmy that night and told him about the "other Steve":).

Nov. 30 - Finally we moved to WMH. Things were a lot more independent there. The only tubes and wires were a heart monitor and a feeding tube. I tried to go in three times a day, feed, pump, etc.

December 18 - The twins came home! This was the best day ever! I remember telling Jimmy to drive real slow all the way home.

Once they got home, it was just exhaustion, exhaustion, exhaustion. The doctors didn't feel that they were breastfeeding well enough to only give them their nourishment there. I woke up Lou Lou first because she was more vigorous, let her practice breastfeeding, fed her a small bottle, woke up Bear, let him practice breastfeeding, fed him a small bottle, laid them both back in bed, and then pumped. Doing this whole procedure every three hours was tough. We kept going in for weight checks until we got the go ahead that they could try on breastfeeding alone. That was a happy day for tired old me!

I still had such a depressed feeling (common with preemie moms especially) and somehow knew that it would stay around until their due date. Once I got to their due date, January 10, I felt like they were "supposed" to be here then, so it was okay. However, every year except this year, I've had a sort of blue feeling from Oct. 26-Jan. 10. Jan. 10 is like my "let myself off the hook" date. I know that's crazy!

This year, Oct. 26 slipped right past me. No sense of blue surrounding the holidays this time around I hope. This is an unintentional but welcome step forward.